22nd of October, 2024
As a survivor of intimate partner violence, Cristina* talks about her journey to a better place for herself and her son. She reflects on how her own childhood trauma and the absence of healthy role models affected her response to her partner as an adult. Cristina explains how she regained control of her life, set boundaries when dealing with her ex, and supported her son through his experiences.
“I was born into a world of struggle, in a country where poverty and corruption were the norm."
My mother, young and unmarried to a man who already had children, had few choices. She was uninvolved in my upbringing. I was shuffled between relatives and raised to cook and clean for my keep; bullied and beaten in the homes where I stayed, they even called me “Cinderella”.
I dreamed my parents would one day marry and I would get the affection I so craved, but nobody spoke of my mother. It was as if she’d committed a crime, and I was too timid to ask what it was.
Despite my harsh beginnings, I achieved at school and graduated with a qualification in design. I worked hard in the industry and picked up extra work as a translator. When an opportunity to go to New Zealand arose, I took it.
Arriving in New Zealand was both exciting and terrifying. The only people I knew were colleagues, and I was very naive about men. When I met Mark, I thought he was my prince charming.
"He was very attentive at the beginning, making me feel special, yet he never introduced me to any of his friends or family."
He preferred to keep our relationship secret, dismissing my concerns, and saying I should be grateful he came around at all.
I opened my heart to Mark*, hoping he would reciprocate if I gave him my everything. When nothing changed, I began pulling back. That made him insistent on seeing me, so I let him back in, yearning for the fairy-tale I hoped was possible.
When I became pregnant, Mark was so angry, accusing me of using him and threatening me with what his family would do if they found out. I was so scared. My doctor suggested I speak to the police, but I felt too scared to do that either. On my boss’s advice, I told Mark I was seeing someone else. It wasn’t true, but he stopped contacting me.
My beautiful baby Lucas was born, and for five blissful years, I raised him alone. Then, unexpectedly, Mark sought 50:50 custody. Believing it was important for Lucas to bond with his father, I agreed to weekend visits.
Soon after, however, I noticed alarming changes in Lucas. He was restless, crying often, and acting out aggressively. His school grew concerned and suggested counselling, but Lucas wouldn’t speak to anyone but me. He said he was scared of Mark, who was strict, denying him food and making him sleep on the floor as punishment.
At the school’s suggestion, I contacted Aviva, and a compassionate social worker entered our lives. For the first time, I felt safe to express my feelings without any judgment. I shared my disappointment, guilt, and fear.
“As I became more comfortable with my emotions, I was able to help Lucas recognise and express his feelings too. Aviva’s support empowered me as a parent, teaching me positive parenting techniques that I began to implement.”
Through Aviva’s programme, I started to identify red flags in relationships, understanding how my own childhood trauma had made me vulnerable to Mark’s manipulation. I learned to set boundaries and evaluate who really deserved my love. With my support worker’s guidance, I was also able to help Lucas, sharing tools to keep him safe. I’m so proud of how far he’s come.
"Aviva’s support has reignited my belief that things can improve and that there are people out there who care."
I firmly believe you can learn from life’s hardships and find the good amongst the bad. That’s what I want to instill in Lucas too, as we continue our journey together. I know the road won’t always be easy, but I do know we’re getting stronger as we go.”
Cristina’s journey highlights the complex nature of communicating with an abusive ex-partner in co-parenting situations. If Cristina and Lucas’s story resonates with you or someone you know, support is available. Please reach out to Aviva’s 24-hour Support Line on 0800 28 48 26.
*not their real name